Fear Issues - Part 3

I went back to the barn to ride Secret again today. I really had no idea what to expect. I pushed her hard mentally yesterday to get her to overcome her fear. She never broke a sweat but mentally I know she was exhausted. At least the wind was not blowing as hard today so that was an improvement.

Beth was there riding the hills with her two geldings. She told me that her gelding Red has become afraid of the corner in the indoor that Secret hates. Libby's horse Katie is also scared to go in that corner of the indoor. At least my horse is not the only one who is scared!

The first thing I did was hand walk Secret in the indoor around the perimeter both ways. She was still nervous. I turned her loose. She rolled, bucked a few times and then trotted back and forth in front of the door trying to find a way out.

Right. Obviously we need a new answer to the question.

I went and stood in the corner she hates. My plan was to stand there until she got brave enough to walk down there and see what I was doing. I was there about a minute when something kind of cool happened.

A Kings of Leon song came on the radio and since I had nothing to do and I was bored, I started to dance. I was having a great time. Before they hit the first chorus Secret was standing next to me. I stopped and petted her and then kept dancing. She stood there in a relaxed frame the entire time. When the song was over we walked to the door and left. I tacked her up, Beth wished me luck and we headed back inside.

I mounted up and walked her around the indoor both ways. No problem. She walked through the scary corner with a little extra inside leg, but nothing else. She trotted around in a relaxed bent frame both ways. She did transitions and she was light and responsive to the aids. After twenty minutes she went through the scary corner like it was one of the other three, without the whip or any extra leg. My happy horse is back.

Secret needed the tough love session on Wednesday. That extra push (okay, a lot of push, my legs were tired from pushing her over to the rail) to overcome her fear and trust me was vital to any future success we will have this year. If she cannot get around the indoor at home, how will she react at a horse show or on a trail ride? I know I dug myself a pretty deep hole by coddling her at the beginning of the fear issue and then trying to ride indoors Sunday when I was not focused on riding. I will not make those mistakes again.

But I am going to continue dancing with my horses. The tough love session fixed the riding issue but dancing with Secret gave her back the confidence she needed when I was on the ground. When Killarney and I start practicing water crossings this spring, Kings of Leon will certainly be playing.

Fear Issues - Part 2

Monday I did not go to the barn. Tuesday was absolutely gorgeous so I long lined Secret in the outdoor arena. She loved it, the sun was shining and she was spectacular in lines. That is one really athletic horse and I was wicked excited when I left the barn. But I knew we had a really tough ride coming up and I was not particularly looking forward to it.

On Wednesday I went to the barn in the morning, knowing I would be alone. I wanted to ride alone so that Secret would have to focus on me and there would be nothing (besides the fear) to distract her and no one who could "save" her. Mother nature did not cooperate and gave me high winds that were blowing the side of the indoor open several inches and then slamming the plastic back down onto the wood frame. This increased Secret's fear factor several notches.

Secret was loaded for bear as soon as we walked through the door. I turned on the radio in the indoor. I thought the white noise might help. The first station I found sounded okay but a rap song came on and when they changed singers to a guy with a deep voice Secret lost it. I put on a different station and that was a bit better. I hand walked her around the perimeter of the indoor several times. She never relaxed but she stopped trying to leap in my pocket so I mounted.

The first ten minutes were awful. I was pretty focused on the task at hand but a couple of times I found my mind wandering. My thoughts were, "Is this really worth it? I could just take her home and bring Killarney or Remi over, they won't care about the noise in the indoor." I quickly re-focused and kept riding. A strong inside leg and a steady outside rein and slowly, ever so slowly, Secret started getting closer to the scary corner. By the end of the ride she could get around the arena both ways, do circles in the scary corner and whatever else I asked. She was still scared but she did it. When I dismounted I hand walked her around the perimeter of the indoor again but it still took a lot of work to get her to walk next to me. Ground work is supposed to make the saddle work better but I felt our saddle work was a lot stronger than anything I had done with her on the ground.

Fear Issues - Part 1

Secret has been having some fear issues about the indoor lately. This is justified, I know where the fear is coming from. The indoor is a cover-all building, so it is a metal structure with a thick plastic covering. Think greenhouse but much bigger. When the wind blows and you are in the indoor it sounds like you are on the sinking Titanic. Snow sliding off the roof makes an incredible zipping noise that even I have jumped at. Shadows play on the walls. From a horse's perspective it is a potentially scary place. My goal is that she should trust me enough to recognize the fear but also believe that I will not let anything harm her. At first I tried to coddle her. I let her stop and look at whatever frightened her, told her she was a good girl and then continued. I know this is against all conventional wisdom, but I had never tried it before. It increased her fear.

Her fear got to such a point that on this past Saturday I could not get her around the indoor arena. At this point I was pretty disgusted with the whole idea of sweet talking her through her fear and I picked up the dressage whip. I rarely ride with a whip so she knew I meant business and I never had to touch her but she got around the indoor. She was not happy about it but she did it.

And then came Sunday. A side note of interest (because I have to claim responsibility for my share of the "bad rides") is that I had major upheaval in the non-equestrian parts of my life on Friday. I was not a pretty picture this weekend and probably should have avoided the barn.

When I arrived at the barn Sunday it was a full house. Three others were also riding in the indoor. Kaitlin decided to leave so that left three of us. Secret was wired as soon as I mounted. I started walking around the indoor and she immeadiately started popping up and spinning trying to avoid the far end of the indoor. Hello dressage whip. I took her up to the far end and started schooling up there in the "scary" half of the indoor. She was not happy but she was doing it. Then a chunck of snow zipped off the roof and sent Jamie (a horse) bucking down the rail and his rider fell off. Secret came unglued. "I am not the only one, there are monsters here!!" Knowing that Secret's prescense (and complete hysteria) were not going to help Jamie's young rider overcome her trepidation of remounting, I went to the outdoor arena and finished my ride there. Secret was fabulous outside, responsive, on the bit, happy and relaxed. I finished first but when they were done working Jamie, I hand walked Secret in the indoor arena. Oh boy, a serious hole has been dug, I could barely get her to walk next to me around the arena.

Brown Sludge

I went in for a port flush today. It has been six weeks and five days since my last port flush. Usually I go every six weeks on the nose but life has been busy and when I scheduled the appointment I did not think five days would make much difference. I was wrong.

Loredana was not there today, instead a nurse named Ellen came in. She called me a wimp for using the numbing cream, but I like the numbing cream. I do not even notice when they stab me in the chest. As soon as she started the first blood draw out of the port she asked, "When was your last port flush?"

I told her it had been six weeks and five days and asked if there was a problem. Usually I look away the entire time they do the port flush. I used to watch Kerri pump the chemo into my port but I do not want to watch anymore. When Ellen asked me how long it had been since my last flush I looked down.

The syringe that is usually filled with blood was filled with brown sludge. She drew back again and more brown sludge came out. Watching brown sludge come out of your body does not give you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Usually when something in my life goes wrong, I shrug it off and say it is a long way from my heart. The problem is that my port is not a long way from my heart. It is right near my heart.

Ellen says that she has seen this before and it is not something to worry about. I will probably worry some anyway, I am good at worrying. In the meantime she needed to find more syringes and more saline since now she could not use the original syringe for the flush. "We're not pumping that sludge back into your system!" She went to open a drawer and it was locked. "Mother of Christ this is the most annoying when they lock these doors!" Then she quickly apologized for cursing in front of me. I laughed.

I told Ellen that I was getting the sharp, shooting pain in my port a lot more often lately. Loredana said that the pain was because I was losing weight and the port was readjusting to a new location but I have not had any significant weight loss.

Ellen said, "Have you considered having your port removed."

I replied, "Oh yes, every day since my last chemotherapy treatment I think about having it removed but Dr. Andemaeriam won't let me take it out until I reach one year past chemo, thats in April."

"Oh."

When I went to schedule my next port flush and blood labs for my next CT scan I asked for Loredana to do my port flush (since she is my oncologist's nurse) but they told me she no longer worked there and they had not replaced her yet. That explained why Ellen did my port flush today. I was crestfallen though. Loredana was with me from day one when I went to Farmington for a second opinion. She lectured me about farming and brushing horses and pushing myself until I was running a fever. She came and checked on me when I was in the treatment room and jumped through hoops to make the treatment cycle easier for me. I will miss her and hope that wherever she has gone, things are going well.

Saddle Headaches

I read an article in the a dressage magazine a few weeks ago about saddle fitting. When I finished reading the article I read it a second time. By the time I finished the article the second time I was convinced that:

1. My saddle did not fit my horse
2. The only way I could find a saddle that would fit my horse was with the help of a master saddler.

That being said, I really cannot afford a new saddle or a master saddler right now. Instead I called a friend who has several dressage saddles and asked to borrow one. The least I could do was put a better fitting saddle on my horse, right?

I took the "new" saddle to the barn and tried it on Secret. It looked like it fit, there was space in all the right places, but I really was not sure.

I took it home and Tim cleaned and oiled it for me. I took it back to the barn and put it back on Secret and looked again. I think it will work, but I really wish I had a master saddler.

At this point the barn owner asked me, "What's wrong with your old saddle?"

I told her that I did not think it fit. She reminded me that I had been working Secret in the "old" saddle since February 2009 and that she was making great progress and never showed any signs of pain or any of the classic symptoms of an ill-fitting saddle.

The barn owner has known me for years. She probably knows me better than I know me. I fessed up and told her about the article I read and how it made me completely question everything I knew about saddle fitting. She had read the same article and long story short believes that some horses need professional saddle fitters but a lot of horses can use regular saddles bought off the shelf without a master fitter, using the obvious signs that she and I use. Why is the article trying to convince us that we need master saddle fitters then? Her opinion (and I concur) is that people have discovered they can make money in the business of master saddle fitting and are therefore going to promote this business. Nothing wrong with that but not all horses need a master saddle fitter. My job as a horse owner and rider is to be aware enough to figure out which services my horse needs and which she does not.

I felt much better after our conversation, but I still had this saddle on loan from my friend. I decided to try riding in it anyway.

Sitting in this saddle was like coming home. I was instantly comfortable in the saddle. Don't get me wrong, I have a really nice saddle, but it is fairly new. My saddle has the high cantle, padded panels and thigh blocks that are standard on most dressage saddles now. That is a lot of saddle between you and the horse. My friend's saddle is twenty five years old. It was made before long billets on dressage saddles. When I sat in my friend's saddle it was like "oh there you are Secret." I needed fewer aids (i.e. not as strong a leg) to get my point across because there was a lot less saddle blocking my seat and leg.

Maybe I was not completely wrong in my original assessment about my saddle. The saddle fit the horse but did not fit me. For now Secret and I will be working in the "new" saddle.

Role Reversal

My little cousin wanted to take a horse on a trail ride over the top of the hill. She is eleven and has really wanted to do this her entire life. The only problem is that she is not quite brave enough (and none of my horses are quite well behaved enough) for her to go on her own with another rider.

I volunteered to lead the pony she rides and my other cousin also went, for the ponies there is always safety in numbers and it is more fun for the girls to go in pairs.

I heard the weather forcast before the girls and I decided which day to go. But the weatherman have been wrong a lot lately so I did not think we would get enough snow to bother our trail ride. The weathermen were wrong again. We got more snow than they said.

Off we went, through about six inches of snow. The girls rode my usual pine tree loop, it takes about forty five minutes. You ride up to the top of the hill through the corn fields, get a great view of all the fields at the pine tree and then loop back home through the hay fields.

The problem with snow on a trail ride is that it hides the footing. You have no idea where the rocks, ditches or tire ruts are anymore. Oops, hole there. Ow, rock! At this point I should probably admit that I was the one doing all of the tripping, not the ponies.

By the time we returned to the barn, my jeans were caked with an inch of snow (I took the barn broom and swept them off) and my legs were a bit tired. I definitely give the horses a lot more credit for carrying us so well on the many different trails we ask them to take, including the snow. But we all had fun and we are headed back out next Saturday!

A Quiet Moment

I think we are all in search of balance in some form or another. Society dictates that we are all much busier than we should be. But everyone always talks about finding balance in our lives as well.

I am starting to believe that balance is elusive, at least in my life. I am sure a lot of you feel the same way. I have found moments though, when balance is not so elusive.

When the world gets crazy and hectic, I retreat to the barn. One of my horses is at a friend's barn and I have found the quiet moments over this winter when I go to the barn to take care of Secret have been the moments when I find balance. Secret is the only horse at that barn that I have to worry about. Sure, I say hello to the other horses, but that is where my commitment ends. From there on out, my time at the barn is spent focusing on Secret.

One of the best things about horses is that they accept you for who you are. The other day I walked into the barn nearly in tears. Secret did not mind, she did not ask any questions or try to fix it for me, she let me live in that emotion. By the time I finished grooming her and letting her play in the indoor, I was much better and she was happy.

I cannot explain why, but I know that going to the barn makes me a better person and helps me find those elusive moments of balance in my life.

Squirrel Parade

A couple of weeks ago I was leading a horse out to pasture when he stopped and stood completely still, staring off into the distance.

It took me a few seconds to figure out what he was watching, but finally I noticed.

Over in the trees there were six squirrels, running in a line. Down one tree, across the stone wall, up the next tree and down another tree.

On many occasions I have wondered about the size of a squirrel's brain. I particularly wonder about their brain capacity when they are about to dash under the wheels of my car. However, I give them a bit more credit now, the squirrel parade was pretty neat to watch.

Instant Results

We live in a world of instant results. You can even get Campbell's soup in instant travel containers now. Soup on the go and in the car. Sometimes it is hard to remember that everything in life is not instant. After paying your bills, catching up with a high school friend or any other multitude of things with the click of a button it can be hard to swallow this fact.

Horses do not always yield instant results.

A week ago, three of us were tacking up our horses to ride at the same time. Jen headed to the indoor first but came back after about ten minutes.

"Done already?"

No, she was not done. Her horse was in the mood to rear so Jen got off and decided she had better do a little ground work. While Becca and I rode Jen lunged her horse in side reins, trotting him over ground poles and all sorts of other stuff. He was stunningly beautiful. When Jen finished working her gelding she was hand walking him and we were talking about ground work and how beneficial it is. Jen made an excellent point that really hit home for me (and I am not quoting exactly but you get the general idea).

"I know ground work is great for horses and improves your work under saddle but I really just want to ride. Today I was forced to do ground work but I am glad I did. I was able to see that my horse really can do all of these things and do them well. I am going to start forcing myself to do ground work more often it will be good for both of us."

After a couple of mediocre rides last week I spent some time contemplating this conversation. I gave Secret three days off (two intentional and one extra because life got in the way). And then yesterday, I longed her in side reins. We did the ground poles once but it wound her up. I will add those in another time. It was nice to see that she tunes me out just as well on a longe line as she does when I am riding her. We worked on transitions and voice commands. When she finally slowed down and pulled herself together she was lovely.

I rode today. The first half of the ride was much better. Her trot work was slower with more rhythm. She did not get heavy on the forehand and bending came easier. Then I asked for the canter and the quality deteriorated a bit. Canter always exposes the weaknesses in Secret's training. After some good canter both directions we went back to trot work. It was not as good as the beginning, but it was okay. I will definitely be putting her back into bitting tack to let her work on the canter without me.

I get frustrated when we have "mediocre" rides. Or rides that deteriorate after the canter because that does not always happen. When I get frustrated I have to remind myself of where Secret and I started six months ago with her training.

Whoa. We really have come a long way. Back off, the horse cannot change overnight or with the click of a button. Maybe the ride was not so mediocre after all.

Barn Gossip

This "dialog" was inspired by a conversation Beth and I had untacking our horses the other day after some interesting rides.

Any Given Horsebarn
9 p.m.

"Did you see what my person tried to make me do today?" Blaze, a chestnut jumper asked his barnmates. "She set those jumps at 3 feet 6 inches like we could just pick up where we left off last week. I set her straight pretty quickly!"

"What did you do Blaze?" asked Tina, the dressage horse.

"I knocked the rails off a couple fences and she lowered the course to 2 feet 6 inches. That way I didn't have to work as hard," Blaze replied.

"Oh I see. Well, if it makes you feel any better my person schooled me on bending again. I mean, I get it already, go around in a bent frame, it is not that hard. If I have to do one more twenty meter circle I am going to colic. Boring!" Tina retorted.

"Ha! I have you both beat!" piped up Isabella. "For the last five years my person has been trying to learn the same pattern. Every day she sets up three barrels and we run around them, always in the same order. You would think after five years she would know the pattern by now. Honestly I think she should just let me be in charge."

"You young ones have a lot to learn," chided Topper.

"What do you mean?" replied Blaze.

"I took two lame steps coming out of my stall today and my person turned me out in a grass paddock for the rest of the day," Topper told him.