Limbo Land

During chemotherapy, I kept focusing on the future. If I could just get past those six months I could go back to being normal. Or at least my version of normal! I thought I would just put cancer in my past and pick up where I left off.

Unfortunately it really does not work like that. Cancer has become part of my identity and no matter what I do or how I try to ignore it, cancer is still there.

Lately cancer has been invading my space on several fronts. Although I am fine, two accquaintances that I have met through my cancer journey recently relapsed with Hodgkin lymphoma.

Right now, my oncologist has CT scans done every three months, checking for a relapse. When I get to the one year mark (in April 2010) I graduate to scans every six months and they will take my port out. The thought of those scans freaks me out and I am not very pleasant for a few days leading up to scan day and for a few days after scan day while I wait for results.

Waiting for the next four years and two months to be over makes me feel like I live in Limbo Land. I often wonder if the other shoe will drop or if I will be one of the lucky ones who walks away at the end of five years. Thinking about all of the possibilities can either make a person sick or insane. I try to live my life in the moment instead and not worry about the next four years and two months. I am not always successful, but maybe this is another lesson I am learning from cancer, to live in the present.

I think we all have some defining moments in our life that teach us to live in the moment. What is yours?